


a little something to let you know i haven't forgotten either

by spideysrogers



Category: Marvel
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Recovery, and some comic quotes for you to spot, some good ol' rekindling old flames
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:22:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25341628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spideysrogers/pseuds/spideysrogers
Summary: "I’m not sure if you recognise me but my name is Natasha."“Uh, a little, I think.” His free hand comes up to his head, “I’m sorry, I don’t remember ever being awake this long. Were you a Black Widow? I- They used me to train some of them, a long time ago.”Choking down her nerves, she nods, feeling Steve’s eyes on her back. “Yeah, I was.”“Were you in Russia?”She smiles, “Давным-давно.”
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41
Collections: WinterWidow





	1. prelude

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote a bucky x reader fic a while ago which inspired this so, if you follow me on tumblr, you may recognise some parts from there :) also kudos to anyone who spots the comic quotes littered throughout

“James? I- I’m not sure if you recognise me but my name is Natasha. I just want to check you over, if that’s okay.”

She feels rather sick. She didn’t think this a good idea - if he remembers her then there’s a good chance he doesn’t want to see her and, if he doesn’t, she’ll have a lot of explaining to do. Steve really hasn’t thought this through - he shouldn’t have asked her to come. 

He screws his eyes shut and opens them a couple of times, “Uh, a little, I think.” His free hand comes up to his head, “I’m sorry, I don’t remember ever being awake this long.”

James’ eyes are miserable when they look at her crouched in front of him on the warehouse floor, flicking between the titanium arm he has stuck in the vice and her tentative hands hovering in front of him. She gives him the best reassuring smile she can manage.

He visibly gulps, eyes wider now, “I, uh, I don’t think you should get that close to me.”

“You’re not going to hurt me,” she assures him, gentle hand coming to rest on his knee. “I know you’re not.” She runs her thumb over the gash on his forehead, feeling the bumps of the dried blood on his skin. "I, uh, I’m not a professional but I know a bit more than Steve, so-”

James chuckles, “Yeah, because I was the one always patching him up.” He looks to Steve over her shoulder, smirk creeping onto his lips, “Almighty pain in my ass, you were.”

Natasha raises a brow, head turning back and forth between them, “Is this gonna be a regular thing?”

“Always has been.” 

Natasha spots the graze on his jaw and prompts him with a finger under his chin, “Lift up for me, James.”

“Bucky. It’s Bucky.”

She swallows, lip drawing between her teeth, “Sorry.”

He doesn’t lift his chin though. He furrows his brow, eyes trained on her. “Were you a Black Widow? I- They used me to train some of them, a long time ago.”

Choking down her nerves, she nods, feeling Steve’s eyes on her back. “Yeah, I was.”

“Were you in Russia?”

She smiles, “ Давным-давно .” 

It’s the first time in almost twenty five years that she sees him smile.

//

Natasha stops the two of them in the jet hangar, widow bite poised and ready to attack because  _ that’s what she’s supposed to do, right?  _ But she sees that look on Steve’s face which shows the same feelings that are swirling around in her gut and James is staring right at her and she feels her arm lower. 

“You’re not going to stop.”

Steve shakes his head, “You, of all people, know I can’t.” James steps forward, slowly edging closer to Natasha. “Buck-”

He shakes his head, continues to move. “I know you,” he says quietly, stopping in front of her as his eyes hold her gaze. “I know you, Natalia.” 

Natasha blinks, chest instantly tight at the name that used to be hers. “You- you remember it all? Our time together, when I was young?”

“I remember everything, Natalia,” he breathes, “And you were the one good thing in all of it.” He shakes his head, “I’m so sorry, I- I never wanted to get you into trouble but… well, I guess that’s all I’m good at.”

Natasha’s eyes dart across to the commotion in the airport, realising the growing danger, “Ja- Bucky, we can’t do this now, you- you need to go-”

“Please,” he grits, eyes screwing shut as he grabs her wrist, “Find me when it’s all over, I- I need to talk. I can’t leave you again.”

Natasha can only nod up at him, “O- okay, of course.”

//

His face lights up as she cracks open the door to Shuri’s lab.

“You found me.”

She nods, “You can’t be surprised, we’re both made of similar stuff.” She cocks her head to the side, “That and Rogers is pretty bad at covering his tracks. I’ve disconnected your suit’s tracker, they shouldn’t find you for a while.”

Steve’s expression blankens for a moment before he nods, “Thank you, Nat.”

When he turns to speak to the princess and soon-to-be king of Wakanda, Natasha feels James shift awkwardly next to her and she turns to him, “You ready to go back in the freezer, Barnes?”

“I’m sure the proper word isn’t ‘freezer’.”

Natasha shrugs and he smiles before his face drops again, shoulders slacking. Natasha raises a brow.

“All I’ve ever brought you is trouble; you’re better off without me.”

Huffing, Natasha heaves herself up onto the bed next to him. “I can look after myself, Barnes. I don’t need you to protect me.”

He nods, “Don’t I know it.”

“Besides,” she nudges his side with her elbow, “I still owe you that talk.”

“Why did you sacrifice so much for me?”

“I didn’t-”

“Talia, honey, you’re betraying 177 countries just by being here. You’ve sacrificed  _ everything _ .”

“Well,” she shrugs, “It’s not the first time, is it?”

“It certainly isn’t.” He shakes his head, “But why?”

She turns to him, met with his deep eyes burning into hers. “If you remember everything, you know why.” He nods. He does.

“Sergeant Barnes,” T’Challa speaks up from behind them, Steve and Shuri walking over with him, “My sister thinks we should start preparing you for your treatment.”

“Is that alright?” she checks. James nods.

Natasha steps back so that Steve can see his friend. He hugs him, long and tight. “It’s gonna be okay, Buck,” he murmurs.

“I know.”

Steve stands back again. He looks to Shuri, nods at her with a smile. Shuri looks to Natasha, “Agent Romanoff, I could really do with some help after Sergeant Barnes’ cryostasis.” Natasha raises her brow. “Well, you know a lot more about HYDRA than we do here and you have some experience with selective memory erasure yourself - we could put your knowledge to good use especially as your Russian is better than mine. You’re also a familiar face. It could be nice for him to have you around when he wakes up, if that’s okay with you, of course, Sergeant Barnes.”

Natasha feels her eyes widen and curses her mouth for looking so much like a blubbering fish, “I, don’t want to-”

“Please,” James asks quietly. He gives her a small smile, “I- I’d like it if you stayed.”

“You would both be safe from the American authorities,” T’Challa assures her. “They will not know of your being here.”

Natasha looks to James. When he smiles at her, she straightens up and composes her face. She rolls her eyes playfully, “Anything for you, James, as always.”


	2. a little something to let you know i haven't forgotten either

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I’m not sure if you recognise me but my name is Natasha."  
> “Uh, a little, I think.” His free hand comes up to his head, “I’m sorry, I don’t remember ever being awake this long. Were you a Black Widow? I- They used me to train some of them, a long time ago.”  
> Choking down her nerves, she nods, feeling Steve’s eyes on her back. “Yeah, I was.”  
> “Were you in Russia?”  
> She smiles, “Давным-давно.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote a bucky x reader fic a while ago which inspired this so, if you follow me on tumblr, you may recognise some parts from there :) also kudos to anyone who spots the comic quote littered throughout

Shuri smiles at Natasha as she crosses over the grass, “Your new clothes suit you.”

Natasha leans against the doorway, looking down at her blue dress, “They’re comfortable, I’m gonna have to get some for back at the compound.” She half-scoffs, “If I ever get back - Stark might not let me in.”

“Well, you are certainly welcome to stay here for as long as you need.”

There’s something in Shuri’s eyes; something she clearly wants to say. Natasha steps out of her shack and moves closer to her, “How’re you getting on?”

Shuri is quiet for a moment. She looks back in the direction she came from before gesturing for Natasha to join her, “Come, I want to show you something.”

They ride the Maglev Train to the Citadel, where Shuri takes her to her lab. She jogs around to one of the desks, pressing a few buttons before they are both washed in a blue light. Natasha’s eyes widen at the hologram now projected above the desk, displaying a pattern of intricate glowing lines. 

“It’s a digital representation of Sergeant Barnes’ brain,” Shuri explains. “I’ve been using it to run tests without causing any damage to his mind.” She uses her fingers to zoom into one area of the picture but it doesn’t mean anything to Natasha. “I’ve been looking into the root of his brainwashing. I didn’t want to wipe his memories in the process of reversing HYDRA’s programming, but I think I may have found a way around it.” Pinching one of the spindles, she rotates the image before pointing to a hole in the structure, “Sergeant Barnes’ programming is mostly connected to trigger words, which HYDRA used to push him into his Winter Soldier state. I’ve developed an algorithm which I could use to essentially ‘reset’ his brain. That way, I can eliminate HYDRA’s programming without erasing his memories.”

Natasha feels herself go wide-eyed, “Wow.”

Shuri smiles, “Pretty cool, right?”

“So this, uh, this ‘reboot’ - it won’t erase any of his memories? He won’t forget anything?”

“Well, I can’t make any promises; as with anything, there is still a risk.” Natasha nods but Shuri smiles, “But it is an extremely small risk.” She nods, “I am very good at my job, Agent Romanoff.”

Natasha chuckles, shakes her head, “Y’know, you can just call me Natasha.”

“But our security teams and public services get discounts at the market,” she grins, “So I will introduce you with your full title.”

Natasha’s had a lot of time to think over her first few days in Wakanda, which translates to: she’s had a lot of time to  _ overthink _ . She hopes to God this will work for James, but she’s more worried about when he wakes up: he had told her it was okay, but will he still want her here with him? Will he forget how they met and think her a stranger? Worse, will he remember but not be interested? She can’t help the sickness she feels, even the morning Shuri brings him out of his cryostasis. 

“You are making  _ me _ anxious, Natasha,” T’Challa smiles warmly from the doorway. She stops her pacing, nods apologetically. “He will be fine, my sister is very skilled.”

“You’re right, brother, but you best get out of my medical room,” Shuri points to him. “You are the last person he will want to see.”

T’Challa smiles, nods. “Stay calm,” he tells Natasha, before turning to leave.

Shuri checks the temperature gauge on the side of the bed before beckoning Natasha over, “He should be ready if you want to wake him.” 

Natasha’s eyes widen but Shuri nods, ushering her closer to the bed. She looks at James’ sleeping face; so much more at peace than a few days ago. There is a sheen of cold sweat over the top of his lip. She hovers her hand over his arm, afraid to touch and startle him, and frowns when she can’t feel the usual radiation of human heat. She leans over to double check the temperature gauge.

“He will feel cold for a few more days,” Shuri explains with a still-hushed voice, “That’s normal.” She gives Natasha another reassuring nod before moving to stand behind her. 

Natasha reaches her hand out tentatively, fingers gently resting on his cold arm before curling around it. His eyelashes begin to flutter. “Uh, Bucky?” she tries. “You’re alright.” He lets out a quiet groan. “It- it’s just me, it’s Natasha.”

“Natasha,” he murmurs, squinting at her through the bright lights of the medical wing.

“Yeah,” she smiles. “Do you- do you remember me?”

“You stayed.” 

Natasha’s taken aback slightly at that. She turns for a brief look at Shuri (who smirks at her). When she turns back to James, there’s the ghost of a smile over his lips. “Of course, you asked me to.”

“I thought you might… I don’t know.” 

Natasha shakes her head, “I’m not going anywhere. If- if that’s okay.”

She sees his left shoulder move, wrapped stump shifting slightly. His breath hitches, face full of confusion as his head snaps around to look at the empty space next to him where his arm should be.

“It’s alright,” Natasha’s quick to assure him, “We removed it, remember? It, uh, it got broken.”

James closes his eyes for a moment, nods eventually as she can see his memory begin to adjust itself. He moves his right arm instead to clasp his hand around Natasha’s, squeezing once in thanks, and she feels her chest tighten as she’s brought back to the familiar touch they used to share. 

“It’s a lot quieter without that horrible wiring, right?”

James’ eyes dart up at the other voice in the room. “Uh, Bucky, do you remember Shuri?” Natasha checks, leaning to the side so that he can see her properly. 

It takes him a moment but he nods, smiles, “Thank you for this.”

“It’s not a problem, Sergeant Barnes - I’m enjoying the skills practice.” She moves closer to the two of them, now he seems to be comfortable, “The procedure seems to have gone just fine, I can talk you through what I did later if you’d like.”

He smiles, “Thank you.”

“You shouldn’t have permanently lost any memory - your short-term retention may be a little hazy for the next few days but, if you discover you are missing anything big, we can have another look. In terms of HYDRA’s programming, I have successfully removed it.”

“Are you gonna try it?”

Natasha’s brow furrows, “Try what?”

“The words.” He looks up at her and there’s something in his eyes that Natasha can’t quite grasp. 

Shuri smirks but it’s friendly, “Do you not trust my work, Sergeant Barnes?”

“No, no, but- how do you know? Just- just in case, you should.”

“There is no need for me to distress you by reciting the trigger words.” Shuri shakes her head, her calm nature assuring Natasha but James still seems tense. “I have seen the inside of your brain, Sergeant. Your days as the Winter Soldier are far behind you.”

Shuri arranges for James to move into the other shack in the otherwise empty field where Natasha’s is (which she justifies as keeping him near a familiar face but, with the wink she sent in Natasha’s direction, she’s guessing it’s something more). The deal for them both is simple: they’re welcome to stay in Wakanda as long as they wish and without cost, providing they can contribute towards the country. T’Challa designated Natasha to tending to the goats in the pen by her shack, so she’s more than happy to finally have some help with the destructive little bastards. 

The next morning, as the beautiful Wakandan sunrise breaks through the doorway and Natasha is spreading her recently washed dress over the warm grass to dry, she spots James leaning against the fence of the goat pen. She can see him speaking, but she can’t quite catch his words, so she makes her way over.

“Stop it, that’s mean.” 

Natasha raises a brow as she gets closer to him, “You talking to yourself there, Barnes?”

He turns his head, smiles at her. He nods to the pen. Inside, two of the goats are scuffling, jumping at each other and bleating angrily. Natasha snorts, “Shuri didn’t tell me we got WWE out here.”

James points to the third goat that has joined the pair: he’s significantly smaller than the other two (a kid, Natasha’s guessing) and throwing his little self at the bigger goats, only for them to attack him back. No matter how many times the bigger ones turn around, kick him and bleat at him, he continues to pick a fight with them. James chuckles, “That one’s Steve.”

Natasha lets out a laugh, head knocking back as she grabs onto James’ stumped shoulder. She retracts her hand instantly, face dropping, “Sorry, I-”

“No, no!” His hand reaches across to cup her elbow, rushing to give her a reassuring smile, “It’s all good.”

Natasha’s eyes drift back to the tiny goat, head shaking, “I can’t believe Steve used to be so tiny.”

“I can’t believe he’s so big now.” James groans, “He used to drive me up the  _ wall _ \- picking a fight with these  _ huge _ stocky guys like he had any chance of defeating them.”

“So he hasn’t changed much then?”

He chuckles, “Not at all.”

“He’s always doing it for good though.”

“He is, he’s a good man.”

Natasha turns to him and finds his eyes already on her. At his smile, she asks, “What is it?”

“Your, uh, your clothes really suit you.”

Natasha can’t help her smile, “That’s what Shuri said.”

“She’s right.” He looks her up and down. “It’s the blue - you- you look nice in blue.”

She lifts her hand, tentatively resting it on his shoulder once more as she feels the blood rush to her cheeks, “Thank you.”

Later in the week, in the middle of the night, she’s awoken by footsteps and murmurs in her shack doorway. She jerks awake instantly, hand rushing for the weapon she no longer has beneath her pillow before raising a fist in front of her. James raises his hands.

Natasha lets out a breath, untenses her muscles, “I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t worry. I get it.” Yes, of course he does. He stands there for a moment, swinging back on his heels with his bottom lip between his teeth, before he shakes his head and turns to move, “Sorry, I- I didn’t mean to wake you-”

“No, don’t be,” she assures him, sitting up. “What is it?”

“I, uh, I couldn’t sleep and I’m still cold so I- I made a fire outside.” His voice quirks up into a question slightly at the end and it’s then Natasha notices the warm glow breaking through the darkness outside and creeping in through her door. “I was just gonna see if you were sat awake, don’t worry-”

“No!” She’s quick to swing her legs over the bed, smiling, “I- I’d be happy to join you - if that’s okay.”

So that’s how they wind up there - cross legged in front of James’ small fire, watching the goats curled up asleep through the fence. Nights in Wakanda are warm anyway but the soft glow of the flames cast a gentle heat over Natasha’s face that makes her smile. It’s calming. 

“You couldn’t sleep?” she asks him after they’ve been settled a few minutes.

He shakes his head, chuckles a little, “My, uh, my bed’s too soft, compared to how they used to be. I know that probably doesn’t-”

“No, hey,” she nudges him gently in the side, “I get it.” Her lips quirk up slightly, “I, um, I used to sleep with my arm above my head for a while.”

“Oh - the handcuffs?” She hums. “Yeah, I always thought they looked really uncomfortable.”

Natasha shrugs, “I don’t know, I suppose they might’ve been at first but it’s all I can remember. It was normal so, for a while, it was difficult to get used to the freedom.”

She notices James turn his head in her direction so she turns to look at him. When she does, however, he’s looking at his stump, now covered with a purple fabric tied around his chest and shoulders. “I’m still getting used to this,” he murmurs. “I thought I’d be happier without the metal weighing me down but- I don’t know, it feels a bit weird.”

“I get it,” Natasha nods.

James’ eyes lift to look at her then, a small smile gracing his lips. He tries to move his right arm over himself but wobbles slightly so Natasha rests a hand on the small of his back but, once he’s steady, he grabs a hold of her hand. Natasha can feel her heart in her throat, her palm awfully sweaty.

The night before the coronation, Natasha finds T’Challa sitting up in the cliffs near her shack.

“You’re a bit far from home, aren’t you?”

T’Challa smiles, gestures for her to sit beside him, “The Citadel can get very large and lonely. It’s very calming out here.”

Natasha nods, “I’ve been coming up here a lot - it’s nice.”

“I thought you would like it.”

Natasha studies him: staring out across the field with his mind clearly occupied. “Are you nervous?”

“A little,” he nods. “Are you?”

“Sorry?”

He chuckles, “You are not being crowned tomorrow, Natasha, yet you are clearly full of anxiety.” He smirks, “You and Sergeant Barnes knew each other once.”

“Once,” she nods, eyes closing as a breeze brushes over her nose. “They trained him in my building before he trained me. I never thought I’d see him again, until I encountered him on a mission a few years back. Definitely didn’t think he’d become a part of my life again.”

She turns to T’Challa after a few moments and finds him watching her with a soft smile, “You understand each other.”

Natasha nods, “We lived it all together - I actually think he was the one who made me believe I was a ballerina for several years.”

“Well, do you have the moves?”

“To be fair.” She shakes her head, “I know he remembers and I- I could never forget but to go back to who we used to be-” She cuts herself off, bites her lip. “I’m afraid it won’t be good for either of us.”

“Revisiting that time of your life doesn’t have to be a regression, Natasha. It might even help you heal.” Natasha nods but she isn’t convinced. T’Challa looks at her, eyebrows raising, “I am nervous,” he nods, “But I must power through anyway. You must do the same.”

Natasha nods, allowing a comfortable silence to settle over them. But, after a few moments, she smiles, “You’re going to make a great king.”

T’Challa smirks, “You think I don’t know that already?”

The day that Nakia comes running to her shack is scary. T’Challa is missing, the Citadel has been taken over; her and James need to hide in their shacks until they hear more. Natasha thought it best she stayed with James in his shack so that neither of them are alone (yes, that is what she’s telling herself). 

That night, she watches him asleep on the floor (because he was adamant she had the bed). His eyelids flutter in his sleep, moving in time with the noise outside. Natasha’s used to fights and battles by now but she’d have never expected it in Wakanda. As a cluster of shots rip through the silence, James jerks awake with a gasp. 

Natasha jumps up, rushes to crouch by his side, “Hey, it’s okay.”

James looks at her with wide eyes, hand gripping her arm instantly when hers rests on his shoulder. He looks between her and the rest of the room, cogs clearly turning in his brain, before he shakes his head, “I’m sorry.”

“You never have to apologise, not to me,” she tells him. “You know I’ll always understand.”

James smiles, “I’ll stop if you stop.”

“Deal.”

More shouts come from outside. Natasha moves to sit down next to James, both of them with their backs against the wall, “They’re fighting, I think it’s to do with the throne.” James nods, doesn’t speak. “T’Challa’s missing.”

James takes her hand in his, “I’m sure he’ll be okay. He’s pretty good at taking care of himself.”

“I just-” she shakes her head, “Nakia was so  _ scared-” _

James squeezes her hand and she stops, sighs. She senses him move his head next to her, opening up a space on his neck and shoulder. She swallows the lump in her throat, realising his invitation but, pushing down the tightness in her chest, she tentatively leans her head down to rest on him. 

They remain like that for a few minutes, enjoying the silence (save for the odd shouts and shots outside) and Natasha feels her racing heart begin to slow as she relaxes against James. He must feel her nodding off because, as she feels her eyes begin to droop, he squeezes her hand once more.

“Hey,” he whispers, waiting for her to lift her head and look at him, “You should get in bed, I know you haven’t slept much.”

Natasha nods, pushes herself up and makes her way to the bed. She’s settled and ready to drift off when James calls her name.

She doesn’t move from under her sheet but hums her response. He clears his throat, “I, uh, I’ve really liked having you here and I- I’d be a lot happier if you stayed here all the time. I’m- I am happier when you’re here.” 

Natasha doesn’t speak. She feels the tightness in her chest again, eyes wide as she struggles to find the words to answer him.

“You don’t need to speak,” he assures her and she can hear the smile in his voice, “But I, uh, I just wanted to say it.”

Steve comes to visit soon after T’Challa reclaims his throne; strolling down the ramp from the jet towards Natasha and James with that same old ‘Steve Rogers’ smile. Natasha leaves the two of them to spend the morning together - they could do with an opportunity to catch up without the fear of death or arrest hot on their tail. She promises to meet Steve for lunch.

The two of them picnic on the grass outside, sat cross-legged in a fashion which is rather innocent and childish after everything they’ve seen. Steve entertains her with some stories from the past few weeks: he and Sam have been keeping an eye on the team from the air. 

Natasha is quick to call him out on his bullshit. “Shuri didn’t really need my help here, did she?”

Steve grins, “Oh God, no, she’s a genius.”

She bites her lip, “You wanted me to be with Bucky.” Steve simply smiles. “But I never told you-”

“You didn’t have to. I found out while Sam and I were looking for him, plus your face when you saw him again was something else,” he chuckles.

“Hey, you should’ve seen yours.”

“Listen,” Steve rests a hand on her upper arm, “No offence but I’m guessing being with you brings back some pretty awful memories for Buck.” Natasha smiles. “But… he just seems so much calmer after being here with you. I- I saw him hit on a  _ lot _ of girls back in our younger days but, I don’t know, I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you.”

“We’ve been through a lot together,” she nods, “We were…  _ something  _ back then. But now we- we’re not the same-”

“You need to talk to him.”

She looks at him, deadpan, “You know that’s not happening.”

Steve shakes his head, “You’re a pain in my ass, Romanoff.”

Natasha rolls her eyes, “You’re starting to sound like Fury.”

She sees Steve back to the jet before she’s running straight to James’ shack. He looks up from the book he’s reading and, before he can get a word in, Natasha is panting out her words, “I remember.”

“What?”

“I remember everything: me, you, the Red Room and- and I realise you might not have known that I remember but I do and so I, uh, I just needed to tell you because…” She screws her eyes shut for a second. “I miss you. We are so, so far from where we used to be but I- I want to know you again - who you are now.” She finally meets his eyes, “Is, uh, is that okay?”

He nods, smiling, “It’s perfect.”

“Good.” As she speaks, Natasha walks across the floor, hands grabbing his face before she pulls him closer to her and presses her lips to his. James’ lips are soft against hers; moving gently, as she feels him sigh into her. 

He pulls away soon after and Natasha’s partly glad because this in itself is a lot. He smiles at her, thumb beginning to rub her shoulder, significantly calming the nerves she hadn’t even noticed had built up. “What was that for?” he asks quietly.

She smiles, “Just… a little something to let you know I haven’t forgotten either.”

One warm evening, later in the year, James is far too quiet. Natasha hasn’t asked him about it yet - knowing he’ll talk when he’s ready - but she’s been worrying. His lip is permanently between his teeth, shoulders hunched and closed off from her. They go to bed in silence.

She’s awoken soon after she drifts off by movement next to her and, when she cracks open an eye, she sees James hauling himself out of bed and walking away from her. She croaks out his name but he doesn’t respond, just running his hand over his face and letting out some heavy breaths. 

“James,” she starts quietly, sitting herself up and swinging her legs over the bed, “What is it? What’s wrong?”

“I- I need you to check.” His eyes are wide, staring into hers now. Natasha stands, still keeping her distance because she’s not too sure where he’s at right now.

“Check what?”

“You- you never tried it-”

“James, stop.” She walks to him, hands hovering out in front of her, “Can I-” He nods so she lets her hands rest on his shoulders, “Just stop a minute, okay? Whatever it is, we can fix it but just stop and breathe for a minute, yeah?”

He shakes his head, “No, you need to-”

“ _ James _ , come on.” 

Natasha guides him to sit on the end of the bed, kneeling on the floor between his legs so that she can bring his focus to her. She brings one hand up to his cheek, stroking the skin with her thumb as he squeezes his eyes shut and breathes deeply. 

When he opens his eyes again, Natasha nods slowly, “Okay, now, what’s going on?”

“The, uh, the words - you haven’t tried them.”

Natasha feels her heart swell at the pain in his eyes, “James, you know why we haven’t tried them - we don’t need to stress you out like that.”

“But-”

“No, James, I don’t want to upset you-”

“But I need to know!” His hand flies up to his hair, grips it tightly and pulls at the strands. Natasha uncurls his fingers as gently as she can. “You- you can’t know, alright? You haven’t tried it so you don’t know and I- I might still be  _ him _ .”

Natasha shakes her head, “No, James-”

“No, please-” his hand grasps onto her arm. “Please, Talia, you need to try them-”

“O- Okay, okay.” She really doesn’t want to do this - it’s only her faith in Shuri’s work that persuades her to the only thing that will assure him. She looks around the room, eyes landing on the pad and pen they’ve been using to keep track so they don’t both feed the goats on the same morning. She rushes to grab it, settling back between his legs and giving them to him, “You, uh, you write them down for me, yeah? I can only remember a couple.” 

James begins to write, eyes screwing shut after the second one, “I- I can’t remember the translations. Why can’t I-”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, I’ll translate them.”

“They- They have to be in Russian-”

“I know, I can translate them.” She rests her hands on his legs, rubbing them gently.

He hands her the pad when he’s done. His breathing picks up slightly as he looks at her, “ I, uh, I don’t think you should be that close to me.”

Natasha smiles, remembering the first day they met, “You’re not going to hurt me. I know you’re not. Besides,” she lifts her hand to rest on his stumped shoulder, “I can defend myself pretty well if need be.”

James nods after a moment. Natasha scans over the list of words on the paper, translating them in her head. She takes his hand in hers, kissing his thumb softly. She nods to him. 

She speaks the first word into the silence between them and James’ eyes squeeze shut instantly. Natasha squeezes his hand. His breathing quickens as she goes through the list slowly; muscles tensing so much that his body shakes and Natasha’s got a death grip on his hand but she doubts he’s even noticing.

He’s still tense even after she finishes - eyes still squeezed painfully shut. Natasha runs her thumb over his knuckles, other hand coming up to cup his face. “James.” He cracks his eyes open warily. “It’s over,  _ milii moi _ .”

James blinks a few times, brow furrowing as his eyes dart between Natasha’s face and his hand in hers. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, no words coming out until he finally whispers, “They- They’re gone.”

Natasha smiles, nods, “They’re gone, honey.”

Sighing loudly, he pulls his hand from hers and wraps it around her, pulling her into him. Natasha pulls him close with a hand on the back of his head, her own happy tears escaping into his neck.

**//**

She likes him best in the sunshine.

His hair seems to be glowing - still slightly wet from his shower and not tied back in his usual bun, but tucked behind his ears to keep it from getting in his way (he’s considered cutting it shorter several times, but he knows his sleepy evenings in bed wouldn’t be the same without Natasha running her fingers through the strands, gently twisting them into various patterns). He spots her after a while, gazing at him whilst leaning on the fence, and he empties the rest of the hay out for the goats after giving her the infamous James Barnes smile (which Natasha has decided is most definitely prettier and brighter than Wakanda’s early morning sun).

He walks over to the edge of the pen, leaning over the fence slightly to push her hair back from her face and kiss her nose softly, “You’re up early.”

“Those darn goats,” she scowls, glaring at one of them over his shoulder as he chuckles, “Bleating their heads off - I swear they’re trying to stop me sleeping.”

He actually laughs aloud then; sweeter than sunshine, “I really don’t think the goats are plotting against you, doll.”

“They are, they’re staring at me now.”

“Well, I would if you falsely accused me of meddling with you.” He kisses the pout on her lips though, gives her a grin, “We’ll just have to go and get some more sleep then. We have some time before the market opens.”

Natasha smiles, opens the gate for him, “Sounds good to me.”


End file.
